She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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