no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
