My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
