I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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