i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
