I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Girls should come with a carfax report
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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