i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
