I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
