mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
