oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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