Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
