dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
