someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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