if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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