he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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