I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
