you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
