Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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