I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
