Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
