i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
