i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
