So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
