After last night, I could never be a politician.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
