Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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