I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I could make wine with my vomit
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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