I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I could fuck to npr.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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