He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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