I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He felt like a one man threesome
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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