I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
