why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
