You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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