Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
