What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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