I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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