i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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