Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
