I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
