don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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