new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
