I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
