I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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