I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i think i just lost a toe
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
