The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
