Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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