Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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