I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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