someone threw a dead crab at me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
