Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
