You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize