White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
