so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
