if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
