Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
