I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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